Sunday, April 18, 2010


Life can be funny sometimes; last week was the worst week I have had in the last 12 months. I wouldn't say the worst ever, because that would be dramatic.

It would seem that I need extreme adversity in order to take action.

I decided that I was going to start bidding on freelance writing positions; in order to make some more cash and to put my money where my, proverbial, mouth is.

I saw an ad for a freelance writer for an online men's magazine; and I figured, why not, a men's magazine might rather enjoy my foul mouth. So Saturday night after a few glasses of wine, I sat down to pen a piece of writing perfect for a mens magazine.

Let me say, I think I may have found my number one! I wrote a provocative piece about love and sex in about 45 minutes; edited it in less than 10 minutes and pressed send; crossing my fingers. Had I been completely sober, I, likely, would have taken more time hemming and hawing over the minutia.

Sunday I awoke, feeling like dirt, to find a reply in my inbox; they wanted my work! Hooray, I can now say, with absolute conviction, that I AM A WRITER.

So what's all the fuss about? What brilliant piece of written word did I send my new boss?
I present to you, my lovely readers, the piece that got me a job!

Love and Sex

In a man’s world, love and sex are mutually exclusive; I cannot count how many times I have watched “Cheaters” and the man (the cheat) pleads to his woman “ I LOVE you, this was just sex”. Some women fall for that; usually the variety under 21.

In a woman’s world, ideally, the sex is followed by fairytale love. We all know that to be very untrue; but that falsehood has helped generations of men bed lovelorn women.

It is a rare breed of woman that can fuck a guy and move on, wanting nothing than to have him lose her number. Most women think because this “guy” penetrated her and she put his penis in her mouth, that he somehow owes her happily ever after.

Harsh? Yes. Reality? Absolutely.

You see it’s simple, a man will say just about anything to get a woman into bed; including I love you. Ladies, hear this, if you just met him, there is absolutely no way he loves you; unless you piss Heineken and have tits that taste like chicken wings.

So what is this entire preamble leading up to? A few nuggets of wisdom for each of the sexes:

Men, if you just met her and you want to fuck her; do it. If she doesn’t ask you for anything except a ride home in the morning, consider yourself very lucky. But if she lingers in the morning and looks at you with google-y eyes, for god sakes, just be real with her. If you want to see her again, say it; it’s likely that your honesty will get you fucked again that morning. But if you don’t want to see her again, tell her; I repeat, TELL HER. Sure, she’ll cry, hell, she might stalk you for a few weeks, but you can sleep at night knowing that you were honest with her.

Ladies, if you like a guy, do not sleep with him on the first date. I repeat, DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM ON THE FIRST DATE. I say this with the assumption that you like this guy and would like to explore a future; if you like him solely because he is delicious looking and your loins ache at the thought of not bedding him, then by all means, fuck your little heart out. My only caveat with most one night stands is that they usually suck for the woman, in all senses of the word; he will want head and the fucking part will most likely be mediocre at best. But at least you can say you did it. For those of you who want this elusive relationship thing, hold off, make him want it. Tease him for as long as you can take it; this accomplishes 2 things 1) deciphers whether he wants you or an orgasm. Trust this, men have short attention spans when it comes to pussy, they can get it anywhere, so if he just wants you for your pussy and you make him work, he will move on. 2) Allows you to determine whether you want his dick in you vagina. During this important courtship phase a man will show you his habits, does he shower? Is he chivalrous? And so on, because let’s be real, no girl wants a guy who doesn’t hold the door and will give her a yeast infection.

These are the fundamental rules to this dating game. You hate games you say? Too bad, life is a game and when you realize this and get in it; the results can, nay, WILL be mind blowing.

I think this is a pretty clever account of the differences between men and women; albeit completely one sided. If my friends were around we would be celebrating.

Monday, April 12, 2010

BOOM / I hate cars

Well hello there.

It’s been a minute since I've been here; I hope all is well. What have I been up to?

I’ve been hitting bottom. BOOM is the sound that hitting rock bottom makes.

Now we have been back and forth about my vehicular transgressions; tickets, un-renewed registration, the wrong insurance documents, getting towed etc. Oh wait! That happened on Sunday.

I had every intention of re-registering my car on Monday morning. My last cheque from the magazine was coming to me and once and for all I was going to be done with this car bullshit; Sunday night, the motherfucking night before, I got pulled over.

And god said HA!

Not having up to date registration is a ticketed offense; but because my name is Bianca Osbourne and my organization skills rival that of a preschooler, I had outdated insurance pink sheets, which resulted in an immediate tow.

The ironic thing, aside from driving for 4 months with an expired registration and getting pulled over the day before I was to re-register, was that it was a beautiful day. I had just finished chilling with 2 of my girlfriends and I was feeling optimistic about the week ahead. On my way to dinner at my parent’s house, I decided to take the scenic route in an effort to enjoy these budding days of spring and BOOM; 2 tickets, a towed vehicle and a ruined evening.

So my Monday was spent being driven around by my grandmother going to several banks, picking up checks, standing in line at the registry, standing in line at the court house, being inappropriately patted down at the court house and fighting back tears.

Funny story, the cashier who rang me through was the same bitch judge who made me take my hat off the last time I was at the court house. Times must be tough if they’re making the judges moonlight as cashiers. She’s a bitch anyways, so I hope she hates it.

Another funny story, I get to the court house and, just because it’s a day in the life of moi, there were 2 more tickets on my file that also needed to be paid in order to register my vehicle and free it from the “Police Seizures Lot”.

Great! Awesome! Isn’t it great to be me?

So this week instead of travelling to the California desert and partying with all my friends at one of the best music festivals in North America, I am staying home.

Coachella for all; No’Chella for me.

I did the math and in total including tickets, tow fee, registration et all; I have paid $1072 dollars in fines and fees.



I hate cars.

Disclaimer: So that my mother doesn’t comment about my having it relatively good. I am aware that my situation is ALL MY FAULT; but the anger is still fresh and I need a scapegoat.

A car is like a mechanical dog; it needs to be fed-gas. It needs tags- insurance and registration. And if that bitch is caught without a leash, the fines come raining down like hot fire- tickets.

It’s like when parents ask children “do you think you can handle a dog? It needs to be walked, fed and loved”; and every kid says enthusiastically “oh yes, I promise I will take care of everything!”; and the dogs bowl sits consistently empty and it shits inside because it hasn’t been walked since the night before.

I am that kid. And I don’t want this dog anymore; it is shitting on my life.

My dog doesn’t bite other people, it bites me and now I am bleeding like no man's business.


BOOM goes the girl that hates her dog.