Postponed

Yesterday I went to court, for what I STILL have no idea.

The day started out relatively well, I found a great parking spot, at meter and as I looked around at all the other cars I noticed they didn’t seem to put any money in their meters; so neither did I.

I got to the court house and went through security as instructed. I beeped when I walked through the security thing (I don’t even know what they are called); and the very butch lesbian security guard took what seemed forever to frisk me and in my opinion she was getting a little too friendly around my woman parts. I wanted to look at her and say “look lady there isn’t anything in my vagina for you, so move the fuck on”, I refrained because she looked like she would have enjoyed taking me down.

I found the court room, went in, and as expected it was an Edmonton style courtroom; so much for my “Law and Order” fantasies. The judge calls all the new people to the front of the room to check in. She looks at me and says into the microphone that I need to remove my hat. I am completely fine with her telling me to remove my hat, but the microphone was unnecessary as this room was the size of a bachelor apartment. So I apologize to her with every intention of removing my hat and the lawyer starts talking to me so I start listening to him; and, she says AGAIN even louder in the fucking microphone to remove my hat. Like lady don’t fucking get on my case because you were born with that face. I know life must be rough when you have no idea how to apply makeup and your hair is the color of dirty dishwater, but hold the fuck on, someone is talking to me.

I knew I should have brushed my hair yesterday morning. As I was putting on my hat, I thought maybe I should brush it quickly, but I left it out of laziness; and I seriously regretted it. My hair was fucking busted, nasty, hasn’t been combed since Tuesday gross; and of course there was a tasty looking man in the room; but in all reality he was probably a criminal so I wasn’t too torn up.

So now I am standing in the front of the room, looking like a comb has never touched my hair; and, the lawyers inform me that this case has been postponed. They thought they called me, but it turns out they each thought the other had informed me of this detail; stupid fucks. So I rolled out of bed, at an hour that I am not really comfortable with, risked getting yet another ticket, almost committed a felony by beating shit out of a too friendly security guard and a bitch judge; only to have to come back again. STUPID FUCKS. They tell me that I have a choice, I can wait while they get through the other cases and then set a new trial date or they can call me with the new date. I said call, but to make sure that they actually DO call this time; I also said that I am unavailable for the month of April as that is Coachella season. I put on my hat, lingered long enough just to get the judges attention, put on my best strut and walked out. FUCK YOU BITCH the microphone was unnecessary.

Looks like you will all have to wait to get the full story and I will have to wait to see WHY THE HELL I HAVE TO KEEP GOING TO COURT?

Court Day

Yesterdays post was funny, witty and well written (if I may say so myself). But, how the hell do I follow that? I could write about my other favorite word, CUNT, but that word isn’t quite as well received as Fuck; and, although I love to court controversy, I think CUNT might be a little too far for the squeamish readers. Talk of CUNTS and all their many functions (I am talking about vaginas and assholes) could get really dirty and I think it may be too soon in my writing career to go there. So what the hell do I write about today? Yesterday was rather uneventful, today is surely to be interesting as I am finally going to court, for what? I have no idea. I could have called the city to find out, but I like surprises.

All I know about today is that I have to go downtown and pay an astronomical amount to park, so that I can play witness to someone or something. What does someone wear to court? I want to look official but I have no idea what my role is. Will I be in a “Law and Order” styles court room or a real Edmonton styles set up. I hope it’s the former, then I can get lost in fantasy while I sit there and act like I give a shit; which I don’t. Just for fun I should yell out "OBJECTION" and blame it on my imaginary tourettes.

I am all for the “justice for all mankind” business, but only if it doesn’t interfere with my life and the goings on of my daily existence. I know that if I was on the other end, I would be grateful for anyone who could contribute to my cause but I wasn’t asked so I can be as salty about the situation as I want. Because even if I didn’t want to show, I have to; they come hunting for you if you don’t and I’m trying to keep a low profile as I have yet to pay those tickets. Next week, I promise.

I am dreading this whole ordeal, I have so many questions. Do I have to put my hand on a bible to swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? **On a side note, I think it’s funny that they whip out the bible and expect people to tell the truth. I grew up religious and blah blah blah, but the bible is just a book. For someone who is already a liar, they might as well be sworn in on a Dr.Seuss book.** A question I have for them is do you really want me there? I can barely remember what happened last week, forget about last august. But alas the law is forcing me to go and play law abiding citizen for the day.

It wouldn’t be half bad, if I could show up at 1 in the afternoon or something; but, NO. 9:30 am is the call time, it’s as if they don’t know what time” the View” is on. Idiots.

I had better get ready, pack my snacks and get my ass to the court house….this could be a very long day.

Subpoena

Have I got a story for you, a true story so indicative of how unpredictable, if not humorous, my life can be.

So, yesterday, I am out and about carrying out my daily duties, getting coffee, dropping magazine off to potential clients, meeting with Christopher etc. And I look at my phone and there is a BBM message from my step father. Now, when there is a message from stepfather it’s usually a simple request of whether I can let the dogs out at lunch; lightweight fare at best. But, yesterday’s message read “The police are looking for you, call me”. I froze for about 5 minutes racking my brain as to why they could possibly be looking for me and thinking where I could run and how much money I had to survive on the lam. After 2 minutes of wordlessness, I utter to myself, “oh my god, the tickets, I am going to jail”.

I call my stepdad and the conversation goes:

Me: “Dean, I’m going to be honest with you, I have tickets, lots of them; but, I am planning to pay them very soon”.
Step Pops: “easy B, I don’t know what this is about, but they have to serve you some papers”.
Me: “can they lie to lure you down there and then arrest you?”
Step Pops: “well I wouldn’t go down there, because they can book you and put you in jail on the spot. So I would get them to come to your house so it is on your terms. The most I could see you spending in jail is one or two days.”

ONE OR TWO DAYS!?!?!

He tells me he will call the lady back and see what he can find out.

Turns out (thank fucking god), I was a witness to an accident, god knows when, and I have been subpoenaed to court to testify. Thing is I have no idea when this was; which makes me feel like I still could potentially be getting set up. If it is in fact the truth, I have no idea what I am going to say. Whose side am I on? Do I get some sort of compensation?

My step father agreed to go down and pick up the documents for me, to relieve my stress and if need be, give me a head start on the police; but, alas they wouldn’t release the documents to him, they have some sort of strict rule where only the person subpoenaed can receive the documents; dicks. So today I am headed to 5-0 HQ, to get all the information and necessary documents, so I can study what the hell went on. But, to be honest I am quite nervous about going to the police station, because, well, the tickets.

I really hope that they settle this mess, whatever this mess happens to be, before the court date. Any type of law enforcement edifice makes me very nervous.



Note: I would have posted a picture of the documents, but I think that may be illegal; and, I am already on thin ice.