De Caffeinated

2 months ago, I gave up coffee. I’d like to say it was because I wanted to be “naturally” energized; but truthfully, I was concerned my teeth were getting yellow, and I don’t want busted looking teeth. So I gave it up, cold turkey.

I will admit I was a bit of a savage the first few days, I kept to myself in order to preserve my close relationships; but after the first week it was all good. I was coffee free. I started drinking Matcha green tea powder because of the antioxidants; and I heard it helps drop pounds. I cannot vouch for the weight loss or the antioxidants; but my energy level stabilized.

Things were going well; until COSTCO happened.

My friend Chris and I needed to go to COSTCO for some catering supplies and COSTCO being COSTCO there were samples. Now I am a sucker for free stuff, I mean it; free stuff is ALWAYS awesome. Free meals, free compliments and free porn are always welcome. Especially the porn, you know what I’m talking about, porn ain’t cheap. Anyways, they were sampling Salt Spring Island Coffee and if it wasn’t free, I would have passed; but those assholes were giving full cups away for free. And I am a greedy bitch, so I had to indulge; you would have to.

Since that day I have not been able to carry on without my daily brew. I have fallen way off the wagon; we’re talking daily trip to Starbucks. And to make matter worse, from March 1 to March 15 McDonalds was offering free coffee ALL DAY; whatever size I wanted. I mean, they gave me no choice; I love free shit.

FUCK. My teeth. After a month and a half of restraint and glimmering teeth, I’m drinking coffee again.

Yesterday I was looking in the mirror, at a poorly lit public washroom and my teeth appeared as yellow as a 2 pack a day smoker; and it scared the shit out of me. How can I achieve impossible beauty with teeth the color of sunshine? Sunshine is wonderful when it beams from the sky, but sunshine yellow teeth are far less enchanting.

So after weeks of teeth staining behavior, I am giving up coffee again. I have replenished my Matcha reserves and I have adopted Crest Whitestrips as my new best friends.

And as for the coffee purveyors, Starbucks can suck my dick, they gauge anyways, $3.00 for a drip coffee with vanilla syrup is ridiculous. And McDonalds, I was only drinking your swill because it was free.