New

It occurred to me, this morning, that I am still very new at my job. Well, it didn’t occur to me, so much as it smoked me in the face, in the form of an asinine mistake. I fucking hate being new, hate it. Just to give you some back story; I sell ads for a magazine, and I will freely admit, that I have never been a great sales person. But, it’s for a food magazine and I want to write…it makes sense. A foot in the door if you will. My first hurdle was learning how to sell, which I am slowly getting a grip on; but, goddamn it, it’s not happening fast enough. I keep making mistakes and mistakes make me feel and look like a fool. Christ, I am also still new at this writing thing too. I just want, so badly, to be great. I know that things take time; but, for heaven’s sake, I am 24 and I am not getting any younger. I’m just tired of being new at things, it is the most uncomfortable feeling there is. The feeling of not knowing what hell I am doing, it's keeping me awake at night. I have been “new” all bloody year. All those stupid job changes over the past 12 months has made for a perma-newness that I simply abhor. It is as if I enjoy torturing myself, I’m a masochist. I must be. For fuck sakes, this tunnel is still so dark. Where's the light??

I’m broke, I’m stressed, I’m new and I want nothing more than to devour a steak.

Fuck.