Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Quest for Cash

I will do almost anything for money; the lengths which I have gone to make a quick buck are legendary. Hell, I have even sold my undergarments online, which, by the way, is very lucrative. Lately I have been racking my brain for ways to get back in the black; which is ironic because I am black, yet sooo in the red. One particular quest for cash is what I would call my finest hour.

This is that story.

I was living in Toronto, it was a Monday and I had absolutely no money for the weekend, when I saw a lucrative opportunity posted on the job search mainstay craigslist: “African Canadian lesbians needed for focus group, honorarium of $100 awarded”. Now I am not African (I’m Caribbean AND yes there is a difference) nor am I a lesbian, although I have thought about it after many a breakup. The question was could I fake being lesbian for an hour? What’s the worst that could happen, I thought; I mean they couldn’t make me lick pussy or anything, so I replied. Apparently over the phone I make a very convincing lady lover; and I was invited to participate.

Upon arrival I was greeted with a lovely assortment of pastries, sandwiches and Starbucks coffee; the LGBT really do it up royal. They corralled us into a room with a 2 way mirror and the “host”, who was a mixed race K.D Lang entered and she began by asking us all to describe ourselves; I hoped and prayed she would start on someone else; I needed something to go off of.

Girl 1: My name is (blank), I have been lgbt for my whole life, I have a girlfriend and I am completely out.
Girl 2: My name is (blank), I am still closeted to my family and I moved to TO to live openly as a lesbian.
ME: My name is Bianca, I am still closeted to my family, I, um, haven’t come out yet to my family. I used to date boys. Uh, that’s it.
Girl 4: (who I think was also fibbing for weekend money) my name is (blank) I’m out to everyone.
**Seriously, that’s all she said; she could have at least tried to be convincing. I think everyone in the room sniffed her out in that second.

And for the record, the whole time they referred to themselves as LGBT, instead of lesbian; I’m not saying it for effect.

We were then handed some glossy sex pamphlets geared at safe sex. The forum was to discuss if the handouts were effective at reaching out to the “community”. They were tacky as fuck, lots of rainbows and big bold letters saying “STAY ALIVE, STAY SAFE”, even abstinent Christians would have scoffed. I decided my role, as the fake lesbian, was to play the devil’s advocate; which in this case was to tell the truth. I kept looking at the 2 way mirror and saying my responses which consisted mainly of “it’s really quite tacky”, “these pamphlets make me WANT to have unprotected sex” (which isn’t true at all but devil’s advocates say that kind of shit). Finally our K.D. came to our side of the mirror and instructed me to be natural AND to speak to the girls not the mirror. Little did she know that I am an only child and talking to mirrors, walls and the air is de rigueur.

After that I pretty much blanked out, I was thinking about what I would spend my honorarium on. Booze, for sure, an outfit for the weekend, cabs and maybe food; but truthfully food was last on my list re my former size 27 waist. An hour later, I think, they handed us our envelopes with the cash and the legit lezzies on the panel invited me to a community event, which I politely declined. I clicked my heels like Dorothy on the yellow brick road and went on my way.

To this day that is one of the easiest ways I have ever made money. Almost as easy as when I pretended to be a 2 pack a day smoker; but that’s another story for another day.


  1. Oh Bianca....this made me laugh so hard...only you would do this and get away with it! Awesome...I don't know if you will ever get quicker money than that, well unless you do something really and truly immoral

  2. Just wait for the next gets better

  3. Oh my goodness... thats a HILAROUS story bianc's.. made my night!