Thursday, February 4, 2010

Slow

At my age saying that I wish life would slow down, sounds absolutely ludicrous. At 24 I should be buzzing around like bee (pun intended) and quipping whenever I have the chance “I’ll sleep when I am dead”. But all I want is to slow down and quiet the voices inside my head that say I am not doing enough . Those stupid fucking voices also happen to be my personal bankers and lately their voices have hit a fever pitch.

So yesterday I got another job, 2 days before my, self imposed, deadline of Friday; and my interview skills again shone like the northern star. Hired on the spot, in and out in 22 minutes (I checked the clock). And I have to say that I am excited to have a job that every 2 weeks I can be assured that there will be some money deposited into my bank account; at least now my bankers will shut the fuck up, or at least pipe down for a little bit.

But now there is another voice that is starting to speak up, and this one is getting louder, way faster than the others. It’s almost a scream. This voice is speaking, or rather screaming, to my sanity; 3 JOBS BIANCA, SOMETHING HAS GOT TO GIVE!!! I must be careful what I say, as I have learned the hard way that writing about work has the potential to bite me in the ass; and in fact it already has; but I will say that I feel change on the horizon.

My head is cloudy with voices pulling me in various directions; I know what I have to do, but doing it, is the tough part. In the past I would withdraw and do the asshole thing; but I am 24 now and that shit is not cute, nor is it as funny as it once was. You better believe pulling no shows at 20 is hilarious, but at 24 it’s just sad. If I had my way, I would sell all my belonging, all $100 dollars worth, pack my bags, hit the road and start anew. But that shit is cowardly and so unrealistic; and I am trying to shake my, hard earned, asshole persona.

Life is happening so fast, I am changing, people are changing around me and I am overwhelmed with feelings and voices, running rampant through my body and mind respectively. I know I promised I would be funny today, but the sun hasn’t been out in days and the voices love dreary days, that’s when they speak the loudest. Do I sound crazy? Yes and maybe I am, and that is my problem. Maybe I’m manic and this is a low; or maybe I have seasonal affected disorder? I looked on WebMD and my symptoms match. Perhaps I just need a drink to drown the voices in rouge. Or maybe, just maybe, I need to shut the fuck up; but truth be told, I have never been very good at shutting up. Maybe that where the voices get it from?

I envy people on meds; the voices in their heads are sedated.

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