Monday, February 1, 2010

Singlehood

It is official; I am the ONLY single person in my immediate group of friends. Slowly I started to see them drop like flies from singlehood, one by one going to the other side. Some fell fast, like a jumper on the 28th floor; and, some have slowly descended into coupledom. Nonetheless, I am solo, in more ways than one.

I always had Christopher, my gay husband (just like Jill Zarin’s, but way WAY better) and we spent most of our free time together; but now my partner in singledom, has found himself a mate. I am tearing up thinking about our old life (I kid). Although I really like his new man; he has taken my companion away and I am mourning his loss.


So what is a single girl to do in a group of friends that happens to be all couples? I have no idea. I could go to one of those singles mixers, but the clientele is most likely on an hour break from their “Dungeons and Dragons” game; then there is E-Harmony but when I think of E-Harmony I think of desperate women whose eggs are months away from being down syndrome babies, and I have a good 10 years before I’m there. And when I think of plenty of fish, I think of STD’s, don’t ask me why, I just do. I am beginning to think that I have good guy repellent seeping from pores as I tend to only attract sickos, perverts or handicaps; seriously handicap people love me, perhaps I appear as though I have limited brain function, that is my best guess as to why.


The fact that I haven’t been laid in what feels like forever is compounding the problem. If I was getting some play maybe I wouldn’t be so ravenous. The other day I was at the gym and the sexiest man was lifting weights right outside of my spin class, and I found myself white knuckling the bike fantasizing about all the things I would do to his sweaty body; I felt sorry for the girl next to me, as I let out some inappropriately timed moans, I blame the bike seat. All is not lost though, as I am becoming a master of the ménage-a-un; and the saying is true, practice does make perfect! I mean, I could go out and find someone to fuck, but I gave up sex on the first (or fifth) date; in my experience it’s always shitty sex and my acting skills are better used getting out of parking tickets rather than faking orgasms. Plus, I’m over that awkward after casual sex exchange, what do I say? “Thanks for nothing”, “OUCH my back you, fucking jack hammering idiot” or “why are you still here, the sun is coming up”...


I have been channeling my sexual tension into super intense workouts; nothing gets my body moving more than thinking about sweaty, disgusting, porno sex; but the classy kind of porn. I maintain that most porn’s are completely unrealistic, no female ACTUALLY enjoys getting a fist up her pussy. Any woman that can make that look pleasurable deserves a fucking Academy Award.


And all these dating shows are making me nervous. Last night I was watching “Tough Love” and there was a 39 year old woman whose title was “Miss Lone Ranger “ who was the E-Harmony woman I was talking about, jaded, wrinkled and single; with old eggs stinking of sulfur from her loins. Scary.


So it would seem that I need to stop watching dating shows and continue working out but keep the sex fantasies to a minimum. The "Month of Me" couldn’t have come at a better time; because there is only me, and no one else.

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