Confession Monday

It is Feb 1. This is when resolutions start to fall by the wayside, the gyms start to clear out, depression starts to set in etc. And although I would like to think that I am immune, I am not. There are clouds over the city and my mood is even less sunny. This weekend was full of realizations, the biggest being that I can’t and won’t always get what I want; that skinny bitch Mick Jagger was right.


Allow me to explain; for months I have been pining for this one man. He is dreamy, beyond dreamy if you can imagine. The moment I saw him, I thought “FUCK ME, literally, can you please fuck me”, if I had balls I would have asked him to, but I’m a chicken shit so I just tried saying it with my eyes; he didn’t get the message. For months it has been little flirty visits here and there and text messages that go nowhere. A few weeks back, I made what I thought was HUGE progress; but it turns out it was nothing, a fucking tease. So after months of wasted time, emotional energy and money (don’t ask) I AM GIVING UP on him. This weekend it hit me like a ton of bricks “this isn’t going anywhere, it just isn’t meant to be”. This was a hard one to take as I am an only child and I usually get whatever I want.

For weeks (months) my friends, being the great friends that they are, told me to wait it out, if it is meant to be it will happen, all things in due time blah, blah, blah. And for the first time I finally get it. I don’t think it is meant to be and the only thing that will happen with time is that I will get over him. What else am I going to do? I could wait for him to realize that I am amazing but he is a man so I doubt that will happen anytime soon.

I had a really enjoyable weekend with the exception of being rather bummed about the whole “man” thing. Saturday was spent partying with my comrades and I spent my Sunday in solitude, baking and liking my wounds. The alone time was nice to decompress and come to terms with the fact that I must move on. Men, relationships and love are a complete fucking mystery; I actually have no idea how to navigate the romantic world. Unless of course a successful love life consists on losers, cheaters and idiots; because if that’s the case I should be a role model to all twenty-some things on the prowl.

So for the time being I am giving up on love and relationships, they confuse me and life is confusing me enough already as it is. I barely know who or what the hell I am or doing and figuring that out should be number 1 on my list. And now it is. February is the month of me and I think it is going to be a great one! Madonna said it best, “if it’s bitter at the start, then it’s sweeter in the end”.

This isn’t really a confession, but I had to get it off my chest.