Sunday, January 24, 2010

Confession Monday

I was extremely well behaved this weekend; the only alcohol to slip past these lips was 1 (yes just 1) glass of wine. So I had to rack my brain for todays confession; but being that I am no angel, it took all of 5 minutes to come up with something.

First let me start by saying that I do like kids, just not the snot nosed, dirty cheek variety; you know the ones I am referring to, the ones only a mother can love. I was one of those kids, so I feel like I earned the right to say that; and I figure that if your mother loves you, then it shouldn’t be a problem that I cannot stand you, but that’s an aside.

We have all been there, in a mall or somewhere mothers and gremlins convene and there is one little tyrant who needs to be put right in their place. Unfortunately for us, the mother or caregiver tends to be too light-handed (in my experience a heavy hand works well for asshole children). For instance, my young cousin had his 6th birthday at a McDonalds play place, also known as hell; and there was this one shithead who was being outrageous. He was spitting down on people eating, biting kids and swearing. His mother who was about 23 years old and hung over (I am sure) was doing nothing to stop her little bastard ( true story, the dad was long gone, which explains the behavior but that is beyond the point). I tried to stop him from outside the Jungle Jim but he told me to “fuck off” and in that moment I knew that I was going to be the person to teach this little asshole a lesson. I climbed into the play place, I squeezed my overgrown (and somewhat overweight) body through the tubes and found the little fuck and grabbed him by the arm to pull him out. And can you believe that he tried to bite me; so I pinched him, yes, I pinched him HARD (I would have punched him but he seemed like he might bruise easy) and then I told him that if he told anyone what I did, I would tell everyone he was lying and he would get in trouble from all the adults; and I proceeded to lead him out of the tubes; I think I threw in somewhere that he had better stop acting like an asshole or I was going to be meaner.

I confess it was not the nicest thing to do; but that little shithead was ruining my cousin’s party; besides he didn’t say a word for the rest of the event, so it worked.

Abuse? Maybe. Party control? Yes.

It feels good to get that off my chest...

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